Tizzler the Tattler
A Most Bizarre Tattle Tale
Tizzler was a world famous tattler,
tickling the masses with his obnoxious chatter.
He was the hub of that savory scuttlebut,
that twizzlement of gooey and succulent chowder.
The tattler knew when your neighbor fibbed,
and saw your husband forgot the milk at the grocery store (after the second store on the way home - three trips, shame on him),
and heard that sneaky whispered quip,
and saw you cheating at your chores.
Tizzler even tattled even the smallest lies,
for nobody ever outruns their demise.
“You look great in that dress” said Mitch Evans, who was caught in a lie this evening at Macy’s with his lovely wife Selina. Selina, a dove of unimaginable beauty, called our hotline , bereft in grief, just an hour ago. She could tell that Mitch’s eyes moved slightly to the left when he uttered those biting words - a pure confirmation of guilt and a crime. “He never had a poker face, time that I called his bluff and that’s why I’m on the phone with you today Mr. Tizzler.” Mitch, you’ve been put on notice and have been sentenced your time.
His hot-line hummed,
his hot-line screamed.
Frantic callers ringing in,
to cash in on other’s sins.
Also on the other end,
were desperate perpetrators calling for a godsend.
The tattler charged a hefty price,
to forgive the error and bury the vice.
Yet, every once and then,
Tizzler would prattle a softer mend.
Every year, the Tizzler held a little game.
He’d invite the perpetrators the chance to absolve their blame.
Literrers.
Non-tippers.
Tail-gaiters.
Over-sharers.
Nose-pickers.
Their reputations at the line and only one to win,
the contestants were tasked with an impossible task
from the Tizzler’s whim.
A reenactment of the crime
must be filmed and scored
to be analyzed and mimed.
Then the country weighs in on this yearly special,
to vote on the most honest mistake from an unlucky vessel
who is spared their sentence, just this time.
And…the winner…of this year’s Tilzzler…is…79 year old…Pauli Delfino…out of Brooklyn, New York…who passed gas in a crowded elevator...which induced a group of 7 strangers to vomit upon each other…who then proceeded to slip into a soupy dogpile atop Mr. Delfino..a true debauchery of the human experience…but…upon the preponderance of evidence…it was confirmed…with the assistance of Saint Robin’s Hospital…that he had a heart attack…an honest mistake…a true Tizzler…and America’s favorite and fragrant Italian Grandpa”.
Tizzler dazzled with his taddly jubilee
and he toured the cities on this gleeful spree.
A razzler.
A riveter.
A hassler.
An exhibitor.
His work,
a museum
of misfortunate gaffs
and deliberate mis-givers.
A tattler.
An inquisitor.
A rattler.
A distributor.
Tizzler will always be
a deliberate deliverer
and, of course,
will never stop being
the country’s most trusted
gossip-giver.
If you enjoyed this poem, you might also enjoy my other mischievous and petty tales:
Gibble the Gubble Gobbler
Gibble never found a gubble that he didn’t want to gobble.
The Ballad of the Pankerous Danker
Danker was a pankerous soul.
The Quibbling Gibbler
Pivel was a sniveling soulpiddling with pretension how a train eats coal.Pivel often found quibbling and gibbling until the snot escapes his gyrating face.A dibbling snibbler fueled by disgrace.Pivel never found a piddle that he didn’t want to fiddle
The Sceebly Squiggler
The Quivl is a sceeby squiggler with his nivil hips and bony grip givers and chiseled biters.